So I've spent alot of time this morning looking over information about G-tubes, specifically the PEG process, which is what our doctor would use. Braska doesn't seem to be improving in her eating, and I'm just getting tired of the battle. I feel like that makes me a bit of a mothering failure, to be honest, yet I know that I've tried everything I can for 9 months now. I just hate to put her through another procedure, and I guess I've become a bit paranoid about the possibility for complications. As I told a friend yesterday, they say it's routine, but what's routine? How can poking a hole in my baby's tummy be so routine?
I guess this is just another one of those situations when being the adult is no fun. So many people say that their kids did so much better once they got rid of the NG and went to the G-tube, but then there are a few who seem to simply have a different set of problems. And if I'm going to have problems anyway, I'd rather do it without having to put her through this royal poking. I'm still struggling with the fact that my gut is telling me not to do it. But what is this gut anyway? My fear of the unknown, more work, new things to learn about how to care for her? I suppose I'm not so sure I trust my gut anymore, or at least about this one thing. I think I've probably thought about it too long.
When I have a big decision to make, I like to look at the pros and cons....usually making a list of them. (Thanks to Mom for that habit.) Even if I know on some level there is really a right way to go, I like to be sure I've considered all the options and made the most educated and thoughtful decision possible. My husband doesn't particularly like this part of my personality, I don't think, but it helps so much when he'll actually humor me and have a full-on, weighing-the-options, decision-pondering discussion with me. But we haven't had one of those in probably 2 years, so I'm out of luck there. He says just do it... get the G-tube, so she won't have a tube in her nose and tape on her face. Good points, sure, but considering the alternative, I just don't know.
In so many parts of life, I'm decisive. When it comes to work, I can make important decisions in record time. I guess I'm just finding that decisions about my child are way different. Not that this should be all that surprising, but still. I just feel like I'm on my own, and that sucks. Plain and simple. I keep praying about it, and I kind of think God is just rolling his eyes, saying, "I'm giving you every possible sign I can!" She doesn't eat enough. She won't drink hardly anything, and she doesn't seem to care. I've made every excuse. She always seems to be just on the brink of some great improvement. We start with a new feeding therapist next week, the guru of our area, so I've been holding out for that. But truth is that even improvement won't be enough at this point. She's got so far to go. Maybe she won't need it for long, but she does need it.
So I guess it's just me... I'm the hold up. I think it's time to give up the filibuster and get on with it. Suppose I should call Dr. R and see what's next.